Lioness' Literatim

Letter for letter, the thoughts in my head.

It’s time for some changes

Somehow, amidst the chaos of these past two weeks, I’ve found time to re-examine aspects of myself, my lifestyle and my goals. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not happy with some of the things I discovered. So, as of today, 25 October 2011, I’m setting out to make some positive changes in my life.

Let’s start with breakfast. Before I deployed, it wasn’t often that I ate breakfast. Here though, I have the convenience of having it prepared for me whenever I want it, so everyday I help myself to an omelet, a generous helping of bacon (the LNs pile it on, especially for a cute girl) and two chocolate soy milk boxes. Notice the distinct lack of fruit? That will be change number one. Replace my daily helping of bacon with a grapefruit half or a banana. I love bacon too much to cut it completely from my diet, but I can certainly limit my intake. And breakfast isn’t the only meal I’ll be changing. I’m not saying that I’m going to cut ‘bad-foods’ out of my diet, but I can make healthier choices; eat a little more salad and less fried foods.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I suffer from low self-esteem and a fairly negative body image. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m fat and I’m not worried about my weight. I’m perfectly healthy and certainly not overweight, and while I’m aware that I’m at least fairly attractive, I don’t see it. I look in the mirror and see a too-big nose, too-big ears, dull hair and boring eyes. I see a crooked smile and love handles. I wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds, but it’s not my goal and it’s certainly not necessary.

But, I do need to start eating healthier and taking care of myself. So, another change that I’m making involves working out every day. Every day. Not most days. Not every day but _____. Every day. There are three days a week that the boss doesn’t hit the gym. Sundays, because those are her ‘me’ days, Tuesdays, because that’s her ‘planning’ day, and Wednesdays, because we’re all supposedly going to start going to Bingo together. But that doesn’t mean I can’t work out on my own. And Wednesday might be nothing more than push-ups and sit-ups in my room, but I refuse to skip a day.

In fact, I’m setting a few fitness goals as well, but that’s a story for a different day.

The last few days, while really taking a close look at some of the things I do, I also noticed that when I walk somewhere, I keep my head down. I’m not watching my feet, but the ground about four feet ahead of me. I’ll look up long enough to make note of someone’s rank, salute if necessary, nod a quick ‘hello’ and continue on my way. I walk around the place like I’m scared of my own shadow, and I don’t have a reason to. I’m good at my job and many of the people that I see in the halls use my products on a daily basis. I’m important and I’m confident and I’m going to start walking with my head held high. Not arrogantly so, just enough that anyone that sees me will know that I belong here.

And I’m going to write. I love writing. I always have. But lately I just haven’t had the motivation to write anything, hence the lack of blog posts in the last…however long it’s been…I’d like to continue my story with Eva, but we’ll see where the pen takes me. Not everything I write will be published anywhere – in fact, most of it may be kept private – but I will write, because it’s what I like to do.

So far, these are the changes I’ll be making in my life. It’s quite possible that I’ll find more changes to make, but for now, I’ll stick with these. I’m hoping that just these simple changes will help me be healthier and happier while I’m out here, and I have every intention of carrying them with me when I go home in the Spring.


25 October 2011 Posted by | Health + Fitness, Life's what we make it, Surviving a deployment | Leave a comment

Working out with God

I can do all things
through Christ who gives me strength.”

It may be a strange connection to make – especially for someone who can’t even remember the last time they really went to church, and someone who really isn’t sure what their religious beliefs are – but going to the gym after work every day, doing an intense workout, makes me feel extremely spiritual in a way that I’ve never experienced before. And it’s not even that I feel closer to God while I’m pumping iron. It’s more…I’m not sure how to explain it…I guess it’s more like a…a recognition that he really is there and really does care. Wait, I got this.

I think, in some twisted dimension of my mind, I compare a good, intense workout to the struggles that I go through on a daily basis. Each weight increase is progress I’m making towards a goal. Each exercise I conquer is a goal met, a hurdle crossed. But what really does it is just the basic knowledge that, ‘hey, I can do this.’ That is where I feel God.

Now, part of that may stem from the helplessness that I’ve been feeling lately – the near depression I’ve been going through – the stress. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, and I know there are plenty out there that have it worse than I do, but it’s hard to be me. I feel like I have the world on my shoulders, and it’s up to me to carry it. But, when I’m working out, that weight is lifted. Pun intended. When I’m working out, the only worry I have is if I’ll meet my weight goals for the day. The only stress I feel is the tension in my muscles. I can’t be upset when I’m working out. It doesn’t work. When I’m working out, all my worries and stresses are elsewhere and I don’t have to deal with them. And being able to look at my life without those issues – that’s when I look up and say, “Ok God, I know I can do this, but I’m gonna need your help ’cause I can’t do it alone.”

Sometimes I wish he didn’t trust me quite so much, but I know that everything he gives me will only make me stronger. I’ll be honest, I’ve only been going to the gym for a few days. But, in those few days, my confidence has increased, my attitude has improved, I feel healthier, stronger – physically, mentally, and spiritually – and more alive and I spend significantly less of my free time dwelling on depressing and stressful thoughts. I fee like I’m regaining control of my life. Or maybe, I’m only just getting control of it.

And the sore muscles after a good workout? To me, that’s God saying, “Good job. You’re stronger than you think.”

3 August 2011 Posted by | Health + Fitness, In the hands of God, Life's what we make it | Leave a comment

A dork in uniform

Day fifteen.

So, for anyone interested in keeping me honest about my six week challenge, here are my numbers from today:

Push Ups

Sit Ups


W1D1C3 W3D1C3 W3D1C2
Set 1 10 21 16
Set 2 12 27 22
Set 3 7 21 17
Set 4 7 21 17
Set 5 -Max 9 11 30 35 22 40
Total 47 125 112

*Notes: Red numbers in set 5 are the minimums
allowed for that set. Black numbers are my actual
number for the set*
*Squats – try C3 on Wednesday, C2 was not a challenge*

So there you have it. And I realized today that my numbers from the initial test for sit ups and squats qualifies me to skip the first two weeks of those programs, meaning I start at week 3 (Hence the W3 instead of W1). Good stuff right there.

And his mom found him in one of those pictures that I spent hours pouring over. Apparently he’s being made to wear glasses. I had forgotten that he used to wear them, so it didn’t even occur to me to look at anyone wearing the BCGs. But, assuming she’s correct (which I think she is, it’s just hard for me to say for sure), he’s right in the front of one of the pictures. It’s just hard for me to look at him and go “yup, that’s definitely him” because a) I’ve never seen him in glasses, so all I have to go from there is a few pictures, b) the angle of his head makes it hard to see much of his face, and the resulting glare off of his glasses makes it even harder, and consequently, at that angle, his chin and ears don’t look quite right…but if I look really hard I can kind of see past the BCGs and it looks like him. From what I can tell at least…I’m still having a hard time saying “yes, that IS him,” but I’m keeping an eye out for more pictures and hopefully he’ll be more easily recognized in one of those.

It’s just going to be rather amusing if that actually is him. When I first found the pictures, my sister and I were going through them and we got to this picture and she pointed to him and started laughing and said “that poor kid looks so dorky!” Because he does. Like seriously, the BCGs plus the angle of his head in the picture make him look kind of like…for lack of a better example, a bald, uniformed, white Steve Urkel. So, if it IS him (which I *think* it is) then I’ve officially married a dork, and I’m okay with that.

We’re headed back to Florida tomorrow. Long day on the road, but I’m eager to see if I have anything waiting for me. Mom probably would have told me if I got something in the mail from him (or anything that looked important) but you never know. And, I have a lunch date with one of my girls this week. Not sure exactly what day it’ll be yet, but she wants me to meet her guy before he gets deployed in about a week. And then, this weekend is the state dart tournament which I will be helping to run since Logan won’t be there this year. I’m not looking forward to everyone asking about him, but I’ve got to stay strong. I’m sure I’ll have some messages to pass along to him in Monday’s letter though.

But anyway, I’ve got to get all of my dirty clothes shoved into my bag so that we can easily transport them home tomorrow, so I’m going to go do that. May or may not post tomorrow.

3 August 2010 Posted by | Health + Fitness, Life's what we make it, Surviving Boot Camp, That thing called Love | Leave a comment