2011; Ready for Review

Well people, it’s that time of year again where I find myself sitting down and reviewing the past year. So much has changed this year. As with every year, 2011 had its ups and downs. There were periods that dragged on and periods that raced by, all culminating with a New Year’s Eve spent sitting in the office waiting/praying for the phone to ring. All things considered though, this holiday season was much less stressful than last year’s, despite my current settings.

So, without further ado, 2011 in a nutshell:

January

After the most stressful holiday season I’ve ever experienced, I made myself get back on a plane to the middle of Nowhere, AZ because I’d signed a contract that said if I didn’t, I’d be in big trouble. I spent most of January rethinking my reasons for joining the Army, debating every day about whether I wanted to quit or continue on. These debates were fueled by the new knowledge that my darling husband, the kid that convinced me to join the Army in the first place, didn’t want me in.

February

Started hanging out with this one guy in my class who would later become a lot more important to me than I ever thought was possible. In February, I got my second tattoo – an infinity cross with rosebuds and butterflies – and that guy I was hanging out with a lot, he was there. At some point during February, he earned himself the nickname Pikachu. I think it’s safe to say that in February I started being more comfortable in my own skin and more confident about who I am.

March

In March I got the second piece of my back tattoo – a half opened rose with a butterfly – and guess who was sitting right beside me, holding my hand. At this point there was no question that he was my best friend. There was hardly a time when we weren’t together. At the end of March I found myself wishing I could slow down time because, although I was anxious to get out of TRADOC and all the bullshit it brought, I wasn’t quite ready to leave the familiarity of Ft. Huachuca and face the real Army. Especially since in the real Army there were things to deal with like orders that placed me halfway across the country from my husband. In March I also had to face the fact that, despite missing my husband, Pikachu and I had a connection that scared me.

April

In April, Pikachu took me out to my favorite restaurant in Nowhere, AZ to celebrate my 20th birthday with delicious Greek food and Baklava. I graduated at the top of my class out of 120 new analysts and headed home, spending my first week of ‘freedom’ showing Pikachu some of my favorite things about Florida life. I was finally reunited with my husband and after sending Pikachu back to his faraway home I made my way to Ft. Bragg, had a very disappointing first night in my new apartment and began settling into the life of a wife.

May

In May I began my work at the 1st Sustainment Command (Theater). It didn’t take long to figure out that the 1st TSC doesn’t function quite like most other units. It’s a beast of a different color. In May I sat my husband down and told him that something had to change, because I didn’t feel he was treating me the way he should. Things changed, for a few hours. A few days later I sat him down again and told him that things really needed to change because I didn’t appreciate him walking all over me and taking advantage of me being there. I was his wife, not his maid. Again, things changed for a few hours, and this time I made up my mind. I deserved better than what he was giving me and if he couldn’t make an honest effort to treat me right, he didn’t deserve me. So I left. In my new Jeep. Which I love.

June

In June Pikachu came out to Ft. Bragg before he deployed to help me get settled into my new apartment. It was a bittersweet visit because neither of us knew what to expect with his deployment. We’d kept in touch pretty well since graduation, and he was the one that was keeping me sane during the initial stage of my separation. He was who I called when the hubby and I decided we wouldn’t be trying to work things out but would instead be filing for a divorce. But, Duty called and he left for that strange place we call Afghaniland. Luckily, we still able to talk fairly frequently, so my sanity didn’t suffer too terribly.

July

In July I drove from Ft. Bragg to PA to visit my sister that I hadn’t seen since my BCT graduation. My dad retired after 30 years in the Marine Corps and I was lucky enough to get time off of work to be there. In July I admitted that I’d fallen in love with Pikachu. In July, we decided to tackle this long-distance relationship thing that neither one of us really wanted to try. You’ve heard them say “long distance never works” I’m sure. We thought we knew what we were getting into. I got lonely and brought baby Kiwi into my life – silly kitten. In July I went through the Army’s Driver’s Training Course to get my license on the HMMWV. Events being what they were, insecurities and jealousies surfaced and we began to realize what makes long distance relationships so hard. But we fought through it.

August

I started going to the gym a couple times a week with some of the guys from work. I reconnected with God in a way that confused me, but I find this connection to still be strong and true. In August I fought with the depression that comes with the territory of being the girlfriend of a deployed soldier. Constant worrying, not enough sleep and increasing stress at work threatened to break me. The only thing that kept me going was knowing he was coming to see me at the end of the month and he’d be all mine for two whole weeks. That and the fresh pain from my fourth tattoo – a scorpion on my ankle.

September

Pikachu was home for the first part of the month, and putting him back on a plane to Afghaniland was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown at PT the following morning, and as a direct result, gained a significant amount of respect for the G2’s new SGM. I learned, about three weeks out, that I’d be deploying to Kuwait the first weekend of October, and so the frenzy began. Packing things up and trying to get everything settled before it was time to leave was a new challenge, but I met it. Barely.

October

We left the first of the month and spent more time sitting on the tarmac than we did in the air. We got stranded overnight in Germany and arrived in Kuwait a full day later than we were supposed to. Training was quick, frustrating and confusing, and then it was over and the old team was gone. It didn’t take too long to get settled into our daily routines. A couple weeks in, Pikachu and I managed a phone call, not knowing it’d be the last time we’d hear each others’ voices for a couple of months. I started working out regularly under the guidance of the boss, and when I wasn’t at work or the gym, I was glued to Yahoo, hoping he’d be able to continue answering my emails. Towards the end of the month there was a rather intense, eye-opening email conversation that spanned the length of several days and sleepless nights. But then we heard that he’d be going home early, and that was pushed to a backburner.

November

The beginning of November was tough, learning that rather than going home early he’d be relocating to someplace else in Afghanistan instead. In November I become addicted to working out – became a true endorphin addict. Now I can’t help but wonder if this would still have happened if Pikachu and I had more regular contact. I know I often found myself heading to the gym after being disappointed by an email that didn’t come or contained only a few short words. The gym became my ‘happy place.’ I had my second Thanksgiving surrounded by uniforms and found myself thanking God for all of the amazing men and women I’d had the honor of meeting and serving with so far. And then immediately following Thanksgiving I fell prey to the depression again, but it was worse this time.

December

The combination of being away from home for the holidays and the minimal amount of contact that Pikachu and I were able to maintain had me in a rapid downward spiral to depression that came within an inch of breaking me many different times. Endorphins or not, I was beginning to question the strength of our relationship and whether we’d actually be able to make it through the deployment. I did my best to make sure no one knew what I was going through. And then we talked – and I mean really talked – for the first time in a month and a half or more, and he made me remember why I love him and helped me rediscover the strength I had hidden away that would get me through the rest of the deployment. Christmas came and went, my first away from home, celebrated with an early morning 5k run.

And now, here it is, New Year’s Eve. Less than an hour until the New Year hits and I’ve spent my evening sitting in the office waiting/praying for the phone to ring (and finally getting to talk to Pikachu!) and writing this post. No plates of snack food, sparkling grape juice or champagne. No Times’ Square ball or movie marathons. No family, no New Year’s kiss since the only person I’m interested in kissing is a couple of countries away. In some ways, it’s kind of a bleak ending to a crazy year. In other ways, it’s kind of peaceful. But maybe that’s just my subconscious comparing the stress of last year’s holiday season with the slightly painful ease of this year’s. Either way, it’s been a crazy year with a lot of blood, sweat and tears, and I can’t wait to see what 2012 has in store for us. It’ll be difficult, with Pikachu changing AOs on me and not knowing how much communication we’ll have during the next few months, but we’ll be home before we know it!

Happy New Year!

Because you get what you work for, so do it right.

‘We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an action, but a habit.” – Aristotle

It’s almost 2012, and we all know what that means; Millions of people around the world making resolutions to start something, change something, do something, be something.

But why wait until the new year gets here? Why not start today?

My ‘new years resolution’ is to make a better me.

To be the girl that I was too lazy to be yesterday.

To know, everyday that I am better than I was yesterday, but not as good as I’ll be tomorrow.

To do something every day that my future self will thank me for.

My resolution is to commit.

How many resolutions every year get started, only to be abandoned because it’s ‘too hard’ or there’s ‘not enough time’ to do it? I won’t become one of those people. If there’s time for facebook and pinterest, if there’s time for Bones and How I Met Your Mother, there’s time to workout. ‘It’s too hard’ isn’t a valid excuse and neither is ‘I’m too tired.’ Even on my worst days, I can do something. I can always do something.

I’m going to run. And not only will I run, but I’m going to run like I stole something. Why? Because running might be a pain in the ass, but it sure as hell gives you a nice one. I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself and hit the road, because running is cheaper than therapy and the road is an excellent listener. I’m going to run, and I’m going to earn the downhill. I’m going to run through the fat days, through the frustrations and loneliness. I’m going to run through the fits of self doubt, because I’m stronger than I think I am, and I’m going to prove it.

I’m going to lift. I’m going to work muscles I didn’t know I had. I’m going to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, because it’s the ones that hurt that count the most. I’m going to make the iron beg for mercy, but I won’t give it any. I won’t be afraid to lift heavy – to be ‘that chick’ in a gym where the guys lift and girls stick to abs and barbie weights. They may laugh at me now with my muscles shaking on the lower weights, but it won’t be long before they’re staring in awe. I will take the pain, and I will push through it because pain is just weakness leaving the body – pain is essential, but suffering is optional.

I will stop competing with others and start competing with myself, because I am my greatest adversary. I will not allow myself to become my own obstacle. I will not limit my challenges – I will challenge my limits. I will push a little harder and hold a little longer, because the harder you work, the better you get. I will redefine my ‘impossible.’ I will wake up each morning and work for the success that others will only dream of. I will sweat like a pig and work like a horse so I can look like a fox.

Today, I will do what others won’t, so that tomorrow, I can do what others can’t.

It’s hard to beat a person that never gives up, but if I am beaten, I will return better.

At the end of the day, my feet will ache from kicking so much ass.

I won’t stop when I’m tired; I’ll stop when I’m done.

Quitting is not an option, because I know it’s mind over matter, and when my mind tries to tell me it’s had enough, I’ll shut it up with more.

I will be unstoppable.

I will be a beast.

Perfection isn’t the goal – excellence is.

I could kill you.

Outside of the endless sea of the mediocre faceless nobodies, there really are two kinds of motherfuckers out there. People who start shit and think they are strong, and people who train, and KNOW they are strong.

You see this shit every day. On the subway, on the street. In bars, in your classes. The loud pretenders. They talk loud, they wear loud clothing, flashy shit that’s supposed to say “Don’t fuck with me.”

They walk loudly, they stomp and strut with a mean face on. They hang out with their loud friends, listening to loud fucking music. Laughing obnoxiously. They are SO QUICK to start shit. SO QUICK to prove how fucking tough they are:

“Yeah bitch, keep on walking fucker. You don’t want any of this you piece of shit Try me, I’LL FUCK YOU UP CUNT!!”

They may even go to the gym, maybe YOUR gym. But they don’t train. They go to the gym to be loud and intimidating.

Only doing exercises that don’t compromise their carefully manicured image of toughness.

Then there are the people who train. Who earned their strength through weeks and months and years of training. Who have bled real blood on the iron. This is a completely different animal.

They are calm and cool. They walk with an ease of intention. They never look irritated or angry in public.

They wear whatever the shit they feel like wearing, or whatever’s comfortable.

Why?

Because they don’t need a flashy jacket or an angry fucking look on a subway train, or an obnoxiously loud laugh that causes everyone else to look with nervous irritation.

They don’t need a posse of other pussies to parrot everything they say and “back them up.” Because underneath all of the fake bullshit you deal with, there’s a terrifying power ready to be unleashed at any moment.

The coiled calm power of ten thousand deadlifts, 15 thousand squats and 25 thousand power cleans. It all screams one thing more impossibly loud then all the shit talk in the world…

“I could kill you.”

Source unknown.

Awesome Stuff #2

That very first moment when you realize “hey, the caffeine finally kicked in,” because we all know that when you first start drinking that *insert caffeinated drink of choice here* it feels like eight eternities before you begin feeling the initial effects.

And then, once you feel that wondrous feeling that tells you you’ll be able to keep your eyes from drooping for a few more hours, you have approximately five-ten minutes before you start feeling hyper.

However, if you watch someone that’s drinking their choice of caffeine, you know that the caffeine actually kicks in fairly quickly, and by the time they realize it’s working, they’re already nearly bouncing off the walls.

Oh, and don’t forget the inevitable crash of death that follows the short-lived hype if you don’t replenish the caffeine in your system before the eleventh hour.

Protected: The endorphins aren’t working!

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Dedication vs. Obsession

Obsessed is just a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.

I showed a friend the notes I made when I was planning out my workout schedule yesterday. First she called my crazy as she shuffled through the pages. Then, when she realized how detailed the notes were, she said I was obsessed with working out.

I shrugged it off, thinking to myself that she’d understand if she ever set foot in a gym. But then I looked at the stack of notes in my hands and started thinking.

I go to the gym every day. I’m on week three of the Strong Lifts 5×5 program. I’ll be starting the 100 push up program and 200 sit up program in a couple of days. I spent my day off outlining my workout schedule so that I could get everything in without overloading on a single day.

I’ve stopped eating junk food, save for a few bites to satisfy a craving. I’ve added things into my daily diet purely for the health benefits (the fact that I like most of them is just an added bonus). Much of my free time at work is spent reading health and fitness journals and pouring through ‘Top 10 __ workouts’ lists.

So, where is the line between dedication and obsession? I love working out and I’m dedicated to bettering myself, but have I crossed the line into obsession?

Awesome stuff #1

That post-workout high that lasts anywhere from thirty minutes to five hours.

You know the one I’m talking about.
- You just PRed a power lift and
- Ran a 5k under your goal time
Or hell, maybe you just finished! You don’t have to make a new personal best for it to be a good workout, though there is an extra shot of adrenaline for that!

But it doesn’t really matter what you did. Whether you’re new to working out or an experienced vet, you know what I’m talking about.

You finish your workout, wipe the rivulets of sweat from your face and neck with the borrowed gym towel and walk out the door. Your muscles may be shaking from the recent exertion, but you stand a little straighter, carry yourself a little more confidently and move with a purpose. Your blood is still pumping and you almost feel like running because walking is just too damn slow. Almost feel like running. Hell, you might give in and run. Kudos to you if you do. Either way, you’re hyped up and, quite possibly, ravenous.

If your workout is at the end of the day and you find yourself at home afterwards, those chores you never really feel like doing, finally get done because you don’t want to sit still yet. If your workout is before work or during the work day, you’re more productive because your brain is being super-powered. And, if you have a desk job or similar, you’re likely rather fidgety.

You’ll likely be asked how much coffee/soda you’ve had. Perhaps get some strange looks. Maybe even a tranquilizer.

But god it feels good and when it wears off, you’re just itching to get it back.

Just keep breathing

It’s funny how one little – not very surprising – sentence can ruin your entire day.

“Well it doesn’t look like we’re going home early after all.”

In all honesty, there’s absolutely no reason that this should have upset me. For the past couple of months he’s been telling me of the possibilities his leadership was talking about for his unit. For the past couple of months it’s been a back and forth and back and forth three way tennis match between leaving early, moving AOs and sticking it out for the remainder of the deployment. I was preparing myself for the worst. It became apparent fairly quickly that they couldn’t just stick it out. There just isn’t enough room for that much testosterone in one AO. A few weeks ago he told me they finally made a decision: they were changing AOs. I can’t say I was particularly happy about this decision, especially when I heard where they would be moving to, but it wasn’t the worst that could’ve happened so I started trying to warm up to the idea. A week ago, he told me they’d changed their minds. He’d be home in January. The order was out; it was official.

Until today, when the General decided he didn’t want to send his troops home early, so they would be overwriting the order to go home and continuing on with the relocation mission.

It shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.

Either way, I won’t see him until April at the absolute earliest. That hasn’t changed, and if it does get pushed back, by God I swear heads will roll.

But, if I was already getting used to the idea of the relocation and coming to terms with where he’d be, why does it bother me so much that that plan is back on? I could understand if revoking the order to go home early resulted in yet another relocation. But it’s not – at least as far as I’m aware. And yet, this simple fact threw a shadow over my entire day, and I don’t have an explanation.

If anything, he’s the one that should be bothered. After all, it’s his head they’re messing with. His life and frustration. But, in the brief time that we were able to talk (via facebook, since there’s no telling when we’ll be able to coordinate a phone call) he didn’t seem phased by it one bit.

Now, maybe I’m just an easily upset, emotional girlfriend that isn’t cut out for the indecisiveness of the Army lifestyle. But then again, maybe I just worry too much. Either way, he asked me to try not to think about it too much – to focus on my own deployment and try not to worry about him too much. And I told him I’d try. So, this is me trying – recognizing that I shouldn’t be as upset about this as I am, because in reality, it’s exactly what was going to happen before anyway.

Confessions about: flirting

I have a confession to make:

I’m a bit of a flirt.

I’m aware of this and have absolutely no problem admitting to it. I think it started in high school. Most of the guys that I hung around were older and single. They were also in ROTC with me, so we spent quite a bit of time with each other. It’s kind of inevitable in ROTC that you end up flirting with almost everyone of the opposite gender. It happens. In fact, it’s practically expected. In my group of friends, flirting was a form of friendly banter that meant you were welcome to stick around – you were part of the group. As such, I’ve always considered it to be a completely harmless and fairly acceptable form of communication with members of the male species. Even from within a relationship, a small amount of outside flirting was still accepted.

Which is why it came as something of a surprise to me when Pikachu told me how much it bothered him.

At first I didn’t understand. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I wasn’t crossing any lines. It was harmless, so long as I knew when enough was enough. I tried to explain that to him, and I think he understands that I meant no harm by it, but it still made him uncomfortable. It boiled down to him asking me to take a step back and look at it from a different angle – reverse our roles.

There’s more to that story, in the form of a rather long, in-depth and emotional email conversation, but the exact details of that are extremely personal so I’ll leave them out of this.

So, long story short, I told him I’d work on minimizing my flirting. I understand where he’s coming from now because when I took that step back and reversed our roles, I didn’t like what I saw. And so, for the past month, I’ve been doing my best to cut back on my flirting. Hence, the real reason behind today’s post.

Pikachu, I love you. And I’m sorry. I didn’t realize just how much I actually flirted until I tried to stop. I promise, those guys never meant anything to me. My passing smiles are now friendly but as flirt free as I can manage. There are no coy glances across briefings, no “harmlessly” flirtatious emails between 2-shops. Now, if I meet a guy, it’s either business or friendly. If they flirt with me, I don’t return the action and so far, they’ve all backed off fairly quickly once they’ve realized I won’t take the bait. A conversation can be friendly without flirting. Who knew? But perhaps the most important thing for you to know in regards to this situation is that even with the significant decrease in male attention, I don’t feel at all attention deprived. I can now confidently say that I wasn’t flirting because I was unhappy with you or the amount of attention I was getting from you. It was simply just what I was used to doing. But no more. I am yours and yours alone and my flirting is reserved for you.

Just thought you should know.

It’s time for some changes

Somehow, amidst the chaos of these past two weeks, I’ve found time to re-examine aspects of myself, my lifestyle and my goals. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not happy with some of the things I discovered. So, as of today, 25 October 2011, I’m setting out to make some positive changes in my life.

Let’s start with breakfast. Before I deployed, it wasn’t often that I ate breakfast. Here though, I have the convenience of having it prepared for me whenever I want it, so everyday I help myself to an omelet, a generous helping of bacon (the LNs pile it on, especially for a cute girl) and two chocolate soy milk boxes. Notice the distinct lack of fruit? That will be change number one. Replace my daily helping of bacon with a grapefruit half or a banana. I love bacon too much to cut it completely from my diet, but I can certainly limit my intake. And breakfast isn’t the only meal I’ll be changing. I’m not saying that I’m going to cut ‘bad-foods’ out of my diet, but I can make healthier choices; eat a little more salad and less fried foods.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I suffer from low self-esteem and a fairly negative body image. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m fat and I’m not worried about my weight. I’m perfectly healthy and certainly not overweight, and while I’m aware that I’m at least fairly attractive, I don’t see it. I look in the mirror and see a too-big nose, too-big ears, dull hair and boring eyes. I see a crooked smile and love handles. I wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds, but it’s not my goal and it’s certainly not necessary.

But, I do need to start eating healthier and taking care of myself. So, another change that I’m making involves working out every day. Every day. Not most days. Not every day but _____. Every day. There are three days a week that the boss doesn’t hit the gym. Sundays, because those are her ‘me’ days, Tuesdays, because that’s her ‘planning’ day, and Wednesdays, because we’re all supposedly going to start going to Bingo together. But that doesn’t mean I can’t work out on my own. And Wednesday might be nothing more than push-ups and sit-ups in my room, but I refuse to skip a day.

In fact, I’m setting a few fitness goals as well, but that’s a story for a different day.

The last few days, while really taking a close look at some of the things I do, I also noticed that when I walk somewhere, I keep my head down. I’m not watching my feet, but the ground about four feet ahead of me. I’ll look up long enough to make note of someone’s rank, salute if necessary, nod a quick ‘hello’ and continue on my way. I walk around the place like I’m scared of my own shadow, and I don’t have a reason to. I’m good at my job and many of the people that I see in the halls use my products on a daily basis. I’m important and I’m confident and I’m going to start walking with my head held high. Not arrogantly so, just enough that anyone that sees me will know that I belong here.

And I’m going to write. I love writing. I always have. But lately I just haven’t had the motivation to write anything, hence the lack of blog posts in the last…however long it’s been…I’d like to continue my story with Eva, but we’ll see where the pen takes me. Not everything I write will be published anywhere – in fact, most of it may be kept private – but I will write, because it’s what I like to do.

So far, these are the changes I’ll be making in my life. It’s quite possible that I’ll find more changes to make, but for now, I’ll stick with these. I’m hoping that just these simple changes will help me be healthier and happier while I’m out here, and I have every intention of carrying them with me when I go home in the Spring.